The Next 20 - Here I Come!

As I mentioned in my first post, my blog is about my journey with weight loss, diet, and general good health physically and mentally. It is a continual adventure of learning how my body responds to food, exercise, my own inner dialogue and getting used to seeing myself change. That is probably the most challenging.

For those of you who are not aware of what I looked like earlier this year, here I am at my heaviest : 244 lbs!  I have never weighed this much in my entire life... EVER!  I will tell you that until I saw myself in pictures, I had no idea I had gained so much weight. I knew I was buying bigger clothes, but I did not see what others saw.  I was dealing with challenges in my life in ways that don't work for my body. I was eating late at night, was tied to my desk at work and instead of looking for ways to move and be active, I was looking for the fastest ways to get things done. But my life was going to change...

During Memorial Day weekend, I participated in a Pioneer Trek with  50 others and we walked with handcarts 13.5 miles over 2.5 days. It was physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging and it filled my soul spiritually. I gained a new found respect for our pioneer ancestors and walked away changed in many ways. And it gave me an opportunity to consider taking my new found interest in walking and hiking to a new level. 

I started making important changes that were going to be part of my success. I bought myself a Fitbit: www.fitbit.com  This gave me an opportunity to track my activity, my calories and most of all add awareness of my input/output. It sounds so simple, but if you only have 500 calories available for your body to use base on your activity and you put in 800, you have 300 calories that are going to stay with you. They won't get burned off unless you change your activity level. Your body has to be in a state of deficit. This does not mean you are hungry all day!  That has been an important realization. Anytime we put more calories into our body than it needs, we keep that weight on! When you think that there are restaurants that have my entire caloric intake in ONE MEAL, you can see how easy it is to put weight on quickly.

By using the Fitbit, making changes to my diet and becoming more active, I lost 27 lbs by mid November.  And I made the conscious choice to take a break for 4-6 weeks. My body was changing and my mind was not yet changing with it. I was still seeing myself at 244 lbs and I needed to get used to this lighter body.  I have spent the last 6 weeks maintaining the weight I took off.  I did a couple of  things during the last 6 weeks that have helped me with this transition.

 - Continued to keep my diet without the daily tracking of the food. Since I had been doing it for a few months, I have a good idea how many calories breakfast has, lunch has etc. 

- Continued to exercise or walk at least 5 days a week. I take every Sunday off to thank God for the body He has given me and rejuvenate my spirit. 

But there was another layer to this that I felt I needed to consider. Dr. Phil DeGraw in his book, " The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution", talks about the idea of continually purging your closet and get rid of clothes that no longer fit you so you are not tempted to go back. Personally, I had a lot of fear about that. Clothes meant money and what if I went back to that size ? I'd have to buy new clothes! And what women does not have a full size array in her closet ? I'm not so different from anyone else am I ?!

So I decided to bite the bullet and truly commit to my new size without the safety net of having bigger clothes to fall back on. On December 26th, I took out everything in my closet. I created 4 piles.

1) Clothes that are too big for me. 

2) Clothes that are out of style, too small or just not my cup of tea any more

3) Clothes I am keeping. 

4) Clothes that are my next size down.

These are all the clothes that are too big for me.
 I actually did not realize how many I had and how many needed to come out of the closet !

As I sat and went through my clothes, I realized fully that I was changing and I was committing to a new and better me and it felt so good! It felt good to donate these to someone else who can make good use of them. 

The other exciting addition I added in my closet is my "Next 20" pile of jeans!  These are jeans that I loved wearing in the past, and used to look great on me - but I outgrew due to gaining weight. Since they are my next size down, they are now an attainable goal in my closet!

My "next size down" stack of jeans!  Can't wait to get there!

So now, it is December 29th and I am ready to begin the journey of losing the next 20 ! By the time I reach this goal, I will be under 200 lbs. It has been 7 years since I last saw that weight. I am so excited to get there - and even more excited to know myself as a healthier, more active person. I feel the difference in my body so far and look forward to more "aha" moments. It has been a beautiful learning experience so far!

Food Lessons I Have Believed - Until Now

I grew up in a house  full of women.  My mother, my grandmother, my great-grandmother and my sister. I remember distinctly that there were unwritten rules about food and while most of it was not blatant, it was the fabric on which my internal rules as a child, youth and adult were created. 

Food was an interesting topic growing up because I had such sharp contrasting messages from adults. If we were visiting at my grandmother's home, it was the same 7 meals every 7 days. I could count on  fish on Friday, hot dogs and beans on Saturday, and either spaghetti and meatballs or homemade
chicken pot pie on Sundays...and white bread. Tons of  soft, squishy white bread with butter and sugar. There was no quantity control at Nana's and so my sister and I would eat to our hearts (and bellies) content - and the pounds would increase and then there were consequences. Message I walked away with: If someone loves you, they will let you eat whatever you want and not put any restrictions on it.

In my mother's home, there were different messages. If I was ill, it was comfort food that was served and I believe that is where my addiction to using food when I was unhappy likely began. If you are sad, have something to eat. If you are disappointed, have something to eat. If you are bored, cook something.  Messages I learned: Food has an emotional connection that I have created by using it in a way it was not intended...and to this day, if I am sick, the first thing I want is mashed potatoes. 

 I remember food being used as a weapon of mass destruction. Namely my destruction!
I was probably 8 or 9 years old and I hated lasagna. I was particularly opposed to the curds in cottage cheese or ricotta cheese and when mixed with tomato sauce, it was a recipe for disaster.  I could not even stomach it in any way and would find anything I could to find a way to get out of having to eat it.  One evening I was particularly clever, or so I thought, and came up with a brilliant plan!
I was sitting at dinner in a chair similar to the one photographed here and much like this chair, it had a tear in the vinyl.  What happened next can only be described as the best thinking ever by an 8 year old....



I decided to take the lasagna, wrap it up in a napkin and put it in the tear in the chair. and cover it up with the remaining vinyl.  It was a fool proof plan!  I was sure it was going to work... and it did for several days until I heard " RACHEL MARIE KELLY ANNE GET IN HERE ! "
Now I am sure as many of you know, when a parent uses not only YOUR name but your siblings name in one continuous sentence someone is going to be in trouble sometime soon.
 She marched us into the kitchen and there unwrapped like a sandwich having seen fresher days was the napkin with the lasagna in it and I was sure my mother's eyes were on fire. Since there were only 2 of us and my sister's alibi was airtight, I knew I was in some serious trouble...and I was. Funny some 40 years later, that incident is still tucked away in my mental memory box related to food. 
The message for me was: Food is important! How dare you waste it! It does not matter if you don't like it, you need to eat it and finish what is on your plate. Funny how the lesson about lying to one's parents did not sink in nearly as much as the food lesson did.

There are also sweet memories about food and my love affair with it.

 I remember birthdays for as many years as I can think back - always centered around food.
In our home it is a tradition that the birthday person gets to choose the meal that will be made for them.  I have had delicious meals of chicken divan,  shepherd's pie, tortier, and more cakes than one can shake a stick at. There was a certain " feel good" about food associated with family - most of all my Mom.  I love her for the care she has shown me through her cooking and I am grateful that my food palette is as extensive as it is. She was bold in choosing news things for us to eat, some were hits, some were misses and I, like her, enjoy experimenting in the kitchen just as much as she does.
My love of Indian and Ethiopian food began with my Mom when I was 19 -and they are my favorite ethnic foods to this day.

 I realize food has had power in my life. I put it there.  I could "reward" myself when I had achieved a particular goal by going to dinner. I could "deny" myself when I felt unworthy.  I could "treat" someone I cared for to a special night, almost always centered around food. I took in messages that "fat" people overeat all the time because they are lazy and unmotivated , that " thin" people never eat enough and that there is something wrong with someone who can eat anything at any time and never worry about it.  And somehow, I wish I had THAT problem. :)

So today, my relationship with food is ever changing. I think about food more as a way of nurturing my spirit and body and not as a source of happiness, pleasure, comfort and replacement for true connection. I have had to come to my own understanding of the role food plays in my life . Questions I ask myself are : What magical thing do I think I am going to get out of this bag of Cheetos  ?  Why do I choose cheesecake instead of a connecting with a live person ?  What need am I trying to fill with that box of  (fill in the blank) ?   As long as I continue to ask myself questions and seek to use food in a healthy way, it is much easier to avoid things like stress eating, comfort eating,  mindless eating,  anxious eating etc.  I'm not perfect at it yet, but it is definitely helping.

If any of these hit home for you,  maybe it is time to look at your relationship with food and decide for yourself if a change is needed. I'd love to hear your insights as we walk together on this journey towards healthier minds and bodies!